When Love gets lost in translation

The core of relationship pain: the longing for connection

At the center of most relationship pain, there is something very simple and very human:
the need to feel close, connected, and emotionally held.
Not “perfectly understood all the time.”
Not “never disappointed.”
Just: felt. met. not alone inside the relationship.

And that need is not childish. It’s not weakness. It’s not “too much.”
It is one of the most fundamental needs a human nervous system carries.
We are built for connection. We regulate through connection. We heal through connection.
A person can have a successful career, a beautiful home, a full schedule—and still suffer deeply if they feel emotionally alone.

And the truth is, most of the time our longing makes sense.
The problem is not with the longing itself...the issue comes when this longing finds no solace. its a very frightening experience, because somewhere deep inside of us we know, it is not sustainable to live this way, and yet we can't seem to make the connection we so deeply crave for. Usually, this connection stays there, at a stage of longing. We are not even sure what it is exactly we long for, or how to get there. And this is why, we get frightened. We wonder if there is something wrong with us. If we should have that need at all... or if we are "needy".

We then often do one of two things:

we pursue (push, question, fix, demand, chase, explain)
or we withdraw (shut down, go quiet, numb out, detach, disappear)

Both are attempts to protect the same vulnerable truth:
I want to feel connected, and I’m scared I won’t.

When love gets lost in translation

One of the incredible realities about long-run, committed relationships is that most of the time, partners do want to give each other what the other needs, and they genuinely appreciate each other. Yet they still feel lonely, and sometimes resentful, and they have a hard time understanding why they can’t reach each other.

And the reason for this is that “love gets lost in translation”.

I’ll explain: in a way, every human being on earth speaks a very unique language. Yes, there are personality types, and then subtypes, and finally individuals who express these "types" qualities in their own distinct ways. You can compare this to language groups, sub-groups, and finally unique jargon or slangs.

And while we do understand each other on certain surface layer, the language of the soul, the subconscious, de depth of who we are...takes a truly long amount of time to convey to others. Let alone for us to learn that of another.

We can speak english to each other, but do we truly speak to each other?

Do we always succeed in addressing the quiet longings the secret questions, the unaddressed, unmet, unnoticed needs of our partners?

The answer is, for most of us, most of the time, a simple "No".

I'll now give you an example to illustrate more deeply what I mean and how it plays out.

A real-life pairing: neurodivergence and the “how are you doing” gap (and how to bridge it)

For the sake of this article, I want to get a bit more real and complex, and write about types we don’t always think of together: I want to talk about the neurodivergent personality, or the gifted introvert, paired with the neurotypical, happy-go-lucky, positive-minded individual.

By nature, the neurodivergent or gifted individual often has a very hard time with small talk. Most of the time, he or she feels out of their comfort zone having to answer simple questions such as “how are you doing”.

For those gifted who are introspective by nature, a question like “how are you doing” can feel confusing. It’s too “broad” and “vague”. So they’re not sure whether the person asking is actually interested in the answer (which, for them, would inevitably be complex, profound, emotionally rich, and philosophical), or if the person is just trying to be polite, or if they’re asking in order to be asked in return… It’s simply not so daylight-clear what’s going on.

Most of the time, the neurodivergent individual will almost feel hurt by that question—feeling like they’ve been put into an uncomfortable position, set up for failure, and left unsure whether their partner’s interest is genuine. Certainty, for these people, is a fundamental part of feeling safe in a relationship, because their complex mind makes it so that every situation, every question, has at least a few different possible outcomes.

Clarity, certainty, and rich communication, for a neurodivergent person, is their way of feeling loved.

Vagueness, broadness makes them feel unimportant.

Now let’s talk about what’s going on in their partner’s world.

For them, asking “how are you doing” expresses exactly what it sounds like: their true and honest desire to hear how their partner is doing. It’s broad because they know there can be many layers to a person’s day—and they want to give their partner the freedom to choose. “How are you doing” is their respectful way of making space for their partner to respond in the way they want, to a question they genuinely want an answer to. They are not implying anything else. They simply want to connect and reach out.

Unfortunately, the neurodivergent partner has already closed down, feeling like their partner is not really interested.

That’s also because the neurodivergent person can easily feel ashamed—this is part of their make-up. Their complex inner world and struggles to relate to mundane ways of connecting can lead them to feel like an outsider in society in general. Any display (or interpretation thereof) of lack of interest by their partner can be deeply wounding, because it reminds them of their “chronic” imposter syndrome.

Bitter, they shut down.

Now, for the neurotypical partner who asked a simple “how are you doing” with genuine interest, being met with rejection is going to be very painful.

“What did I do wrong again?” is what they’re going to wonder. “They don’t want to tell me about their day.” They start searching, guessing, and getting frustrated.

Eventually, they can give up, and just avoid situations that create this discomfort—leading to fewer and fewer opportunities to connect and open up. Given time, this pattern can truly make people estranged from each other.

And the only initial issue had nothing to do with love... in fact, the opposite. They were both expressing love in a different way. A difference of nature, and a difference in the way they see the world took them to a place where their love simply got lost in translation.

How can you solve this?

Soul Ethnography

The same way you arrive in a new country and have to start learning the language. Ask questions. Study the other person. Try to learn their ways. Be a real researcher. Be an anthropologist.
What's an anthropologist? Someone who does what we call 'ethnography".

I remember from school, learning about ethnography: we were told that as anthropologist we were eventually going to go live in another culture entirely for a number of years and write about their ways of making meaning into the world. And the only way we could learn to really understand these cultures and write about them, was by letting go of the certainty that our ways were the 'right' or 'common' ways. Who sais that our reality is the only reality? That our rules of the metaphysics of love and soul and emotions, are the same for everyone? That every one gets hurt the same way, or feels loved the same way, or derives the same meaning from a given situation.

Any respectful anthropologist would know that each person, just like each culture, is an entire new universe in itself, with its own planets, rules, and poetry.

We have somehow to let go of ourselves a little, in order to face the other one in their world. And then come back to ourselves with the treasure of knowing "we are not the only ones".

It's humbling.

And I want to conclude on this: don’t be afraid of hurt feelings or shut-downs. Use them. They are rich material for learning.

If this is difficult because shut-downs are also triggering for us—well, that’s the whole beauty of relationships: learning to be brave can take us a long way in life. And if we can learn to be emotionally brave in the relationships that matter most to us, it is very likely we will be emotionally brave in the “outside world” as well.